My latest book, Truly Seen, is about how the cultural ideas of perfectionism and thinness hold women back from living a life they love. I share how women get trapped into trying to live up to these unattainable standards, which only leaves them feeling like they’re a failure. I understand the impact of being a perfectionist.
So, when I got my manuscript back from my proofreader, I caught myself reviewing and re-editing each sentence. Despite the fact that the manuscript has been professionally reviewed several times. An internal struggle brews inside of me. I want to put out the highest quality work I can. But I don't have the time or energy to keep working on the manuscript. My book designer is waiting on me.
I need to decide that my work is “good enough”. The irony of my own perfectionist tendencies aren't lost on me. I caught myself trying to perfect a book around perfectionism.
For many women, perfectionism comes automatically and the idea of “good enough” feels like failing.
If you're like me, you learned at a pretty young age that doing things well, and having high standards for yourself comes with lots of accolades. When I was moving into my dorm my freshman year in college, my roommate’s mom praised her for how perfectly she made her bed. I recall looking over at my bed, and wondering if I tucked in my top sheet as precisely as I could have. Were my pillows in the right place?
Our praises aren’t just sung by our mothers when we do well. Your name may be listed in the newspaper when you made Dean's List, your boss rewarded you with the highest raise during your last performance review and your favorite client offered you a job with a 20% raise.
Perfectionism gets rewarded in corporate America. Your outstanding work ethic and high standards have contributed to your success. It feels great to do outstanding work and get noticed for it.
But it's come with a price.
Perfection doesn’t have a finish line. You can always refine that report, be clearer in your communication, be more organized, and find a better way to make a point in your book. When is enough, enough? After three revisions? Ten? Fifty? It’s so hard to answer that question because the ideals of perfection are based on external and cultural ideals. These standards are impossible to attain. When we try to be perfect, we are trying to be an ideal version of ourselves. That person doesn’t exist.
There isn't enough time in your workday to do everything perfectly, without exhaustion and potential burnout. My clients share their anger and resentment with me, a common symptom of perfectionism. When you’re trying to be perfect for everyone else, you lose yourself in the process.
While holding high standards for yourself at work, you also hold them for yourself in other areas of your life. You need to meet that deadline and get dinner on the table. You need to wrap up that deliverable and have a clean laundry room. You need to give your team timely performance feedback and get to the gym five days a week. Perfectionism wears us very thin.
When we strive for perfection, there is never an off switch. Perfectionism seeps into each aspect of our lives, including our relationships. We can never fully relax and rest because there is always one more little thing we can do to make what we are doing better. There is no rest for the weary.
This is exhausting, isn't it?
Instead of our work performance being a source of positivity, it turns into a way we can beat ourselves up. If our work doesn't meet our high standards, even if our work is objectively outstanding, we berate ourselves and feel like we’re failing. You may notice that you often feel anxious and stressed when a new project comes your way. You've lost that eagerness and excitement. Instead you’re worried that you can't measure up if you don't do it perfectly.
Thankfully, I caught myself when that perfectionist mindset came creeping in when I was finishing up my manuscript. Being aware of your own patterns around perfectionism is the most important first step you can take. You can't change what you can't see. When you can see what's going on, you can make a different choice. It's not all or nothing. You can maintain a level of high-quality work, and keep your sanity.