This is why you have a hard time saying no and what to do about it.
I started babysitting when I was 12. I would often clean up the kitchen before the parents got home, even if the mess wasn’t made on my watch. At the time, I liked making these parents happy. I also learned that if they were pleased, they would hire me again, tell their friends about me and ultimately, I’d earn more money. Win, win. Right?
I hear countless women refer to themselves as "people pleasers". People pleasing, prioritizing the needs of others to please them, has been named as one of the obstacles women have when they are seeking professional success, personal contentment and sanity.
For some women, the line between pleasing people and doing excellent work is blurry. For most women, there is no boundary between the two.
Growing up, I was expected to help with laundry, dishes and starting dinner. As the daughter, I was there to help my mother with her responsibilities. You likely did the same. With this teaching, we learned to recognize, anticipate and take responsibility for the care of others. I watched my mother work as a nurse full-time, and still prioritize household responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, car pooling, birthday parties, and Christmas shopping (all of the typical maternal things).
As women, we’ve grown up meeting the societal norms that have been set for us. It’s extremely difficult to go against these norms. We risk disappointing and even making those closest to us angry and upset. At a primal level, we risk getting thrown out of the tribe if we don’t play the role we are expected to.
When we are prioritizing the needs of others, we aren’t just trying to please others. We are ensuring our own safety, security and satisfaction. I share that as a way of you having an appreciation for your people-pleasing tendencies.
And, you may be doing too much people-pleasing. It may be overused. And I know you know if that’s the case.
You’re exhausted and feel depleted.
Because you’ve taught those around you that you will say yes to everything, more and more people come to you with their problems. This is no longer satisfying. You often feel overwhelmed and resentful.
You’re doing work that you know other people in your firm or company could be doing.
You take little time for your self-care; you sacrifice sleep, eating regular and consistent meals, time with loved ones, time to move your body and exercise, and playtime. Playtime? What’s that? (No, it’s not cleaning up your inbox.)
Saying no feels extremely uncomfortable. You may feel anxious or tense just thinking about turning someone away.
If you grew up in a volatile household or are in one now, pleasing people may be how you keep the peace. You may be trying to keep things from blowing up so you and your loved ones feel safe.
If you’re seeing your people-pleasing tendencies as an excuse or even a badge of honor, I’m inviting you to this different perspective.
When you become aware of people-pleasing patterns, you can evaluate if they support your professional growth, health and sanity or if they don’t.
When I work with clients, we work with experimenting and practicing a different way of approaching a situation. Saying no when you’ve only ever said yes may feel pretty confronting. Exploring a new way may be your best step forward.
I work with ambitious women in finance and accounting to reach their next level of success on their terms. If you’d like to change your relationship with people-pleasing, let’s talk.