Where to Look

In the past I looked outside of myself for the answers. If I wanted to lose weight, I looked for a program or diet to follow. If I wanted to run faster, I searched for a book to read. If I felt anxious and sad, I sought out a therapist. Surely, someone or something else had the answers and I was going to find them. At the time, I wanted to improve myself and I thought someone else knew better than me. Researchers, scientists, health professionals, even the government spread a wide range of valuable information around how we should live based on averages. They share what foods to avoid and which ones we can’t eat enough of. They know how much sleep on average we should get and on average the right amount of water we should drink to keep hydrated. For a long time, I put much of my unquestionable faith in these experts. After all, they did research, studied and had all sorts of average solutions for people who were sort of like me. I didn’t realize there was a different approach.

Then I started connecting and listening to my own body. I am now noticing how my body reacts to certain foods. Do they make me tired and bloated, or light and alive? I notice what workouts leave me feeling energized. And more importantly, when I feel overwhelmed, stressed or anxious; I can stop, breath, experience and observe all of the sensations in my body and learn from them. The uncomfortable disappears.

This has been an imperfect process. It’s been filled with miracles, frustrations, and also big insights into who I am and what works for me. I am waking up to my own body and my own spirit. Sometimes I listen and sometimes I don’t care to. That is also part of connecting. I can see when I’m connected and see when I’m not. Before, I didn’t see any other options but to look somewhere else. Now, I realize there is only one option. I am my own best health professional. I can be open to the valuable information coming from the outside, but now I try it on for myself first. I am trusting and curious. I am fully responsible for me. After all, the answers lie within me. They always have.

My Pact

We had an active weekend in Maine. The boys are starting their football season, Anna is getting ready to begin her first season running cross country and Mark got recruited to run Reach the Beach (a 24 hour 200 mile team run) last minute. We spent a few mornings running, doing some push-ups, squats, forearm planks and taking advantage of some down time to improve our conditioning. Some of this felt a little more challenging than I would have liked and I noticed some old but familiar self-talk. I felt frustrated and unsettled. I was wishing for a different version of my body; something better conditioned, leaner, more fit. This state of mind has crept in frequently, in different places in my life, for as long as I can remember. Struggling through a 3 mile run and remembering the days when 6 miles came so easily and effortlessly. Feeling so excited to get out the next seasons clothes and noticing that the shorts from last summer don’t fit as well as I’d like them to. Or maybe seeing a picture of a woman in a magazine wearing a super cute dress thinking, I wish I could wear that dress and look like that. When I would share my frustration of my body to my husband, he would respond with the same response I would to anyone I love. “I love you just the way you are.” It didn’t matter what he thought or if I heard the same thing from Brad Pitt. What he said, although appreciated, didn’t change the way I thought about myself. The change in my thinking had to come from me.

What made a difference for me was when I created a pact with myself. A pact rooted in gratitude, respect and trust. I didn’t realize I was doing this at the time. But somewhere along the way, I got a glimpse of insight that I am not my body, and the number on a scale or the size of my jeans does not measure my worth. Instead, I could see that my body is the home of my spirit and my uniqueness. I’ve read my share of body image self help books. Some of them would say, if you don’t like your hips, focus on your shoulders, or if you don’t like your nose, focus on your eyes. I understand the advice around emphasizing the positive, however, I think they are missing the point. Our body and even our health is a reflection of how we feel and think about ourselves. Let the focus be on what’s going on inside, not on the outside.

You have an agreement with yourself already in place. Is it based in acceptance or judgment? Is your agreement nurturing or filled with rules, deprivation and punishment? If you can see that the pact you have with yourself is any less than loving, you MUST shift it. We are here in this lifetime to shine bright and share our best version of ourselves. By embracing ourselves, our bodies and our lives just as we are in this moment, we open a space to create something new. If we continue to beat ourselves up at every turn, ironically, the change we are seeking becomes further and further out of reach because we spend all of our time and energy fighting ourselves.

Life will throw us curve balls where we can easily go from feeling on cloud 9 to being filled with doubts and uncertainties. Just like I experienced over the weekend. That’s when the pact comes in. We can say to ourselves “ I love you just the way you are” and really believe it.

Here is my Pact-

I am grateful for my beating heart and my steady breath. I promise to nurture my body with rest, movement and life giving food. I listen, I trust, I connect. I am complete, just as I am, in this moment.

What’s yours?

A Perfect Day

Absolutely Amazing! That’s what snowboarding was like a few days ago. We were vacationing in Maine and spent the day at Mt Abram. As I think back to that day, what made it so special? Well, it started as I woke up to fresh snow falling from the sky.  If you are living in New England right now, you know how unusual it is to see it snowing this winter. I was filled with appreciation.  As we were driving to the mountain, I didn’t have any expectations of the day.  I wasn’t sure what it would be like to snowboard while it was snowing, but I felt open and willing. We got on the mountain mid morning and the snow was accumulating pretty fast.  On my very first run, I noticed how my board was just floating in and over the snow with little effort on my part. There was so much ease with no resistance.  I started going down much more challenging trails, ones that I wouldn’t normally take. Falling in the fresh snow felt like falling in a huge vat of cotton balls. It was fun and didn’t hurt one bit.  I was willing to take a risk without a concern of making a mistake.  Run after run, I had a big smile on my face. This was a blast! When I did fall, I just laughed big and got back up.  It was joyful and easy. And probably the biggest thing for me that made it so special, snowboarding that day felt really messy. It wasn’t pretty. My arms were swinging around, my turns were all over the place and I fell a ton. You certainly wouldn’t liken me to Shaun White (okay- maybe just with the crazy hair). But it wasn’t about how it looked that day. I didn’t need to it be neat and pulled together. I gave myself permission to be messy and with that, I felt a huge amount of freedom. I couldn't help but to draw some easy parallels between my snowboarding experience last week and how I want to live my life. Was the snow really what made that day so amazing? Was it something inside me, some clarity or connection? Was I just in a good mood? Does it even matter?

This morning, I woke up deciding to live like I’m on the top of a mountain. And yes, it’s snowing.

Lifting the Holiday Fog

Happy Holidays to you! How are you this holiday season? According to every Christmas card you have received, every commercial on the television and every song you have heard on the radio, you are suppose to be merry and bright. Are you feeling merry and bright? Family comes into town, schedules get thrown off, the kids are home from school and life happens. For some (okay, many), including me, the holidays may have some moments of feeling merry and bright, but the holidays may have some moments of feeling not so merry and pretty dull and grey. This holiday season brought some big awareness into how I’ve been living through these times. I notice how easy it is for me to shut down, put a wall up, and turn to things like TV, Facebook, another glass of wine or some extra holiday fudge and cookies for what may seem like initial relief. I’m creating a fog over my thinking, my emotions and my personal connections. There were times when I checked out and disconnected and I didn’t realize I was even doing it.

Did you create a haze for yourself this holiday season? If the answer is yes, be grateful for the awareness. This awareness is like a spot light slicing through that fog. The fog is lifting when you realize you are in it. From there, it’s all about connection. When I think back to the past few days of my holiday fog, I realize that I’ve been holding my breath. That is how I connect, with my breath. As I realize I’m breathing in and out, I see more clearly. Things around me come into focus. I feel lighter and brighter. As I keep connected to my breath, the rest of this holiday season will certainly be merrier and brighter. I wish each of you breath and connection for this holiday season and beyond!